thisismagrave | Monster Bingo 3.0

That sounds a lot less like a hypothetical question and more like... something else.

[ Okitsu is careful to keep his gaze off Rufous, too afraid he may not be able to appropriately temper his own facial expression, unwilling to risk giving a look that could be construed as pity.

it might be unhelpful.

saying it sounds like 'it sounds like lived experience' might be, too. ]

I can't tell you what your limits are. But I can tell you that not everyone is out to hurt you, and not everyone will be unwilling to give you a chance to decide who you want to be.

It is a hypothetical. Just...it keeps coming up.

[Because in the end, Rufous still doesn't recognize how Bells treats him as not okay. The threat of harm, the gaslighting, the isolation, it was all to keep him protected and encourage him to be the best he could be. It was For His Own Good.]

People keep talking about being kind even when it hurts them, even if it hurts them really badly and I don't understand how they can be okay with that. They say the people hurting them are hurting too or just misguided, but it doesn't make their hurt okay and there are probably people in their lives who don't want them hurt either.

Alright.

[ there's no judgment in his tone here either, the same as before: a passive acknowledgement of what was said before accepting and moving on.

it doesn't dispel his worry, though. ]

What I'm willing to accept is going to be different than someone else. At least for me... I couldn't live with myself knowing I could have reached someone but didn't try.

So, that's... that's why I'll keep trying, even if I get hurt for it. You probably know this already, but just in case... You don't owe me or anyone else the same.

[Rufous is a legit person to worry for, he is in so much danger zone.]

Why not? Why do you feel like you owe...strangers that much?

... [He knows he doesn't. Yet people expect it of him all the same. Even when they don't offer it.]

... If I give you an answer to that, it'll only be my answer. And it might not even be a complete one.

[ he tucks some of his own hair aside after he lightly taps the side of his head, a quiet indication of something with his head. no memories. still missing too many.

but, he does have a square asking him to reveal a regret, and he had been far better at revealing and uncovering emotions then he had been at pranking people or doing typical prom night activities. ]

As far as I can tell, when I was alive, I was... the type of person who was worth nothing. I just existed because I was too stupid or too afraid to do anything else. I couldn't connect with anyone or... feel much of anything.

I'm not sure if that changed. And... then I wasn't alive anymore. I lost all my memories then, too. I was told it's normal for people who die from blunt force trauma to arrive to the afterlife with amnesia.

[Worth nothing]

[There is a tension at that because...he knows that feeling. He is Terrified of that feeling. Is he worth anything, what can he do, how can he be useful-]

It was different, when you died?

I wasn't connected with anyone when I was alive. I don't remember any parents or anyone looking out for me. If I didn't have money for food, I didn't eat. If I didn't have a job, I wouldn't have a room to stay in.

I just existed, and I didn't know why. Then, I... didn't. I... regret it, I guess.

[ despite what he says, his delivery is extremely flat: it is a mere statement of what he knows to be true thus far. he doesn't know how he died, not definitively, or why. ]

I died, and I know there was at least once where... I was able to reach someone that was lost, someone that had been discarded when he was alive. So, I'm... going to fight like hell to hold onto that feeling. If I get hurt in the process, fine. I'll be able to live knowing I did more than just sit by and exist.

[ noting the tension, he merely rests gently against Rufous. then, he looks down for a moment, his eyes narrowing a little until he pinches the bridge of his nose. no, there's something else. he's working it out. ]

[His hand moves to his cheek again, and...he understands that. That need for connection. The little bit of praise, the belief, the trust. He wanted to do so much for that feeling. Even at the risk of disappointment and anger.]

[And more than that...]

[Those feelings were so familiar. It made his chest hurt how much he just understood. Understood him and understood the person he helped.]

Its important...to have a worthwhile existence. To matter. [His voice is soft.] To have someone look at you and be happy you're in their life.

[He looks up.] I need to groom someone else. Let me return the favor.

Monster Bingo 3.0

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