thisismagrave | Monster Bingo 3.0

Alright. It's a promise, then.

[ taking a small handful of feathers gently into his hand, he strokes over some of the longer ones with his thumb. barring any negative reaction, he leans over, peppering gentle, quick kisses along a few of them, making sure to trail down each one to keep the ruffling to a minimum.

it isn't a completely foolproof method because he is moving along them, but it hopefully prevents the worst of the tugging. ]

[He breathes in sharply at the touch, a shiver going through his frame at the kisses.]

[Even if there's tugging, its hard to distract from the fuzzy tingling that the action cause, his face going red.]

If...if there are loose feathers, you can...can pull those out. Shouldn't be m-much resistance.

Edited 2021-11-04 07:19 (UTC)

Sure, if you're okay with that.

[ keeping his hand in place as a support for the feather's he's trailing kisses along, he reaches over with his free hand, gently combing over other feathers to feel for loose ones. when he finds one, then two, he times the gentle tug to them with a kiss, hopefully to act as a distractor if there's any pain.

his aim is not to cause pain if he can at all avoid it, and to pair it with something pleasant in the event that he cannot. ]

Need to do arts and crafts. And tickle someone. Just m-makes sense.

[Every kiss gets a shiver out of him, ducking his head at the tingling feelings. Its gentle, its nice, it feels good-]

[It feels kind.]

[And that is....unfamiliar in a way that's almost painful.]

[His breathing is getting heavy and he fights the urge to lean in closer while he's working on his wings.]

Edited 2021-11-04 07:39 (UTC)

Those are pretty straightforward... If I were you, I'd hold onto some of these feathers. I've got flowers in my hair, I bet there's a craft in there somewhere between the two of these things.

[ Okitsu: dead teen, might have a career in found objects arts and crafts. he picks off another feather, then another, each with another kiss as he settles in closer. after he pulls free this round of feathers, he again strokes through the feathers to smooth them back out, letting his fingernails gently press them back into place and rake over any debris they may have accumulated.

he pulls his lips away just a bit, humming a song that is both painfully familiar and he cannot quite place. he isn't sure if this will count for the square.

he isn't sure, and he decides he doesn't care if it doesn't. ]

Could do a few things. Necklages are always a good base. Charms. Hair ornaments.

[His voice is a little hazy because its nice, its nice, its nice its nice its nice its nice]

[He isn't used to it.]

[He doesn't want it to stop.]

[Every light kiss and scratch drawing a shiver from him and makes his eyes feel hazy and he's not sure what all these feelings mean.]

[He hears the song and it takes a moment to remember that is a square and he joins in on the humming. Hesitant and soft, almost like he's unsure he should be trying.]

[But he wants to try anyway.]

[ keeping his voice soft to maintain the notes of the song, he combs gently through the feathers with his fingers, straightening out a few more before he reaches over for the other wing, proceeding to preen through this one in a similar fashion. he has to remain in a position that reaches over Rufous to effectively groom like this, but as long as the other seems to be relaxed, he appears comfortable doing so.

he tapers off the song long enough to speak again, passing some of the feathers oer for Rufous to hold. ]

Sure, those sound nice. I'd have a charm or hair ornament made from these. You're doing really well, you know.

[ it isn't perfectly seamless - Okitsu is no musician, no refined artist - but he hums a few more singsong notes to get back into the swing of his song, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Rufous's head. not quite the forehead, not yet, too forward: merely exploratory. is that okay? would that be okay? ]

[He is definitely relaxing, the tension melting from his shoulders, wings not so perked up. Its hard to keep up the tension with all the soft, gentle touches, the soft sound.]

[He takes the feathers. And then outright shivers as he's praised, head ducking as the warm feeling that makes.]

Just...getting groomed...I should help you with some of your squares. [A soft murmur.]

[He can at least carry a tune. It takes a bit to follow the tune, but once he has it, he can keep it. Only hitching at the kiss, but he doesn't pull away, his hands fiddling with the feathers, seeing if he can make small holes to loop the stems together.]

Right, but you're being patient enough to cuddle for ten minutes. Ten minutes is...

[ idly, he rubs the side of his head. ] I-it can be feel like a long time, if you're not prepared. You're holding up, though.

[ he's close enough that when he laughs, his breath dusts over the pale hair of his cuddle companion. ]

Don't worry so much about my squares. [ with no negative reaction garnered from the quick, passing kisses, Okitsu dips his head a little lower, pressing a quick kiss to Rufous's forehead. ]

A lot of mine want me to do some pretty cruel things, when I know I'm better suited for things like this.

.....it is a lot. [Softly murmured. Its gentle and careful and so are tge 'kisses' and they make his chest ache because he wants them. He wants more of this gentle affection.]

[He sighs, closing his eyes.] I'm used to cruel things. [A hand drifts up to the scar on his cheek. It had been so close. He can't help but wonder if there was a time he was too slow.] The squares I have don't seem so bad.

Yeah... I can tell.

[ 'I can tell, because you're right here.' the actions he takes, the way his grip tightens just a little as if for a moment, he might be afraid that his message might not get through—it's familiar, all of it. letting the feathers drop from his hands, he resolves to let go of the side hug in favor of plainly embracing Rufous, trying to encourage him to settle his cheek against Okitsu's shoulder. ]

So I don't want to give people more cruel memories just to win some game. People don't always take the time to learn each others' stories, what makes them afraid, or what makes them hurt. [ his next laugh is bittersweet, heavy on his chest. ] I'd rather take a loss and be able to live with myself.

[He's pulled back, going tense as he looks at Okitsu with surprise, and tgere is no panic, no surprise on his face.]

[Just a careful, constructed neutrality.]

[But he listens and its that, not the sudden movement, that makes his eyes widen.]

[Then he looks away.] ....people don't. They don't take the time to learn. To understand.

Just demand you do without any help...

A lot of them don't.

[ he lets his hands drop, unwilling to force contact if it isn't wanted, but leaving his hand upturned in an offering if it might be desired. ]

I can't make excuses for the ways people hurt each other... But I can say that even the most cruel actions sometimes start from someone being afraid or crying out in pain.

[ 'I was never anywhere. It was only my brother and my father. I was the one who died.'

Naoi's words echo in the back of his mind, intermingled with the diluted smell of blood. ]

That's why you're doing great. It's... hard to trust other people when you're scared. So, thank you. For trusting me to groom your feathers, and for trying out a song with me.

[There is a part of Rufous that wants nothing else then to be seen. Acknowledged. Validated. He wanted to know his existence was worth something. An inherent need to justify it.]

[That part fueled everything else. The need to be perfect, the need to not be weak, the need to defend himself at all costs because he can't trust others to. Safety did not exist.]

[Safety did not exist.]

[And it was so tiring.]

I revived you. [It's said softly. Because he had proven his worth, he could allow himself to believe he warranted a little kindness.]

[His cheek rests against his shoulder.] I hate being cruel. But this place is too strange. Sometimes people are too kind to believe. And others will talk of kindness, but then act with cruelty. I don't know....

I don't know any of it. How to follow and understand and when I'm wrong it's more cruelty when I just...I just want to do it right.

You did, yeah... But that isn't why I'm doing this.

[ Okitsu combs his fingernails through Rufous's hair, trailing down towards those relaxed wings in soft, predictable motions. ]

I hate to say it, but people are going to be strange. They don't... they don't have formulas.

[ not for the square this time, he presses another quick, passive kiss to Rufous's hair. ]

You could have left me to rot or stuck a knife in my back, and I'd still do this because this is what I want to do.

....why? It just leaves you vulnerable. At least....at least you know I'm cooperative since I did. Why would you if I stuck a knife in your back?

[Like the human girl. She said she didn't like him. She said he was a bad person. He had been hurt and hunted and all she had to do was walk away and she would never have to see him again.]

[So why didn't she?]

[How could people choose to be kind even when it hurt?]

[Why was he making it a big deal he was accepting affection? Why did he give it when he knew it was?]

It's just like I said. There are times a cruel act only seems senseless and unjustified because I don't know the story behind it. Who am I to say it isn't someone's desperate call for help?

[ he dusts a small piece off feather free, smoothing the adjacent feathers around it. ]

I don't have to like it. Or agree with the reason. And I wouldn't like the pain. [ he lets out a slow, steadying breath. ] But how many people could have been saved before they reached the point acting out in desperation if even one person listened? And how many people just... can't help it anymore?

It doesn't mean they don't deserve a chance.

[There is a long time where he is silent, eyes closed, letting him smooth through his feathers.]

What happens when a person can't help it anymore and keep hurting you? You don't deserve to be hurt just because they were...unlucky.

That sounds a lot less like a hypothetical question and more like... something else.

[ Okitsu is careful to keep his gaze off Rufous, too afraid he may not be able to appropriately temper his own facial expression, unwilling to risk giving a look that could be construed as pity.

it might be unhelpful.

saying it sounds like 'it sounds like lived experience' might be, too. ]

I can't tell you what your limits are. But I can tell you that not everyone is out to hurt you, and not everyone will be unwilling to give you a chance to decide who you want to be.

It is a hypothetical. Just...it keeps coming up.

[Because in the end, Rufous still doesn't recognize how Bells treats him as not okay. The threat of harm, the gaslighting, the isolation, it was all to keep him protected and encourage him to be the best he could be. It was For His Own Good.]

People keep talking about being kind even when it hurts them, even if it hurts them really badly and I don't understand how they can be okay with that. They say the people hurting them are hurting too or just misguided, but it doesn't make their hurt okay and there are probably people in their lives who don't want them hurt either.

Alright.

[ there's no judgment in his tone here either, the same as before: a passive acknowledgement of what was said before accepting and moving on.

it doesn't dispel his worry, though. ]

What I'm willing to accept is going to be different than someone else. At least for me... I couldn't live with myself knowing I could have reached someone but didn't try.

So, that's... that's why I'll keep trying, even if I get hurt for it. You probably know this already, but just in case... You don't owe me or anyone else the same.

[Rufous is a legit person to worry for, he is in so much danger zone.]

Why not? Why do you feel like you owe...strangers that much?

... [He knows he doesn't. Yet people expect it of him all the same. Even when they don't offer it.]

... If I give you an answer to that, it'll only be my answer. And it might not even be a complete one.

[ he tucks some of his own hair aside after he lightly taps the side of his head, a quiet indication of something with his head. no memories. still missing too many.

but, he does have a square asking him to reveal a regret, and he had been far better at revealing and uncovering emotions then he had been at pranking people or doing typical prom night activities. ]

As far as I can tell, when I was alive, I was... the type of person who was worth nothing. I just existed because I was too stupid or too afraid to do anything else. I couldn't connect with anyone or... feel much of anything.

I'm not sure if that changed. And... then I wasn't alive anymore. I lost all my memories then, too. I was told it's normal for people who die from blunt force trauma to arrive to the afterlife with amnesia.

[Worth nothing]

[There is a tension at that because...he knows that feeling. He is Terrified of that feeling. Is he worth anything, what can he do, how can he be useful-]

It was different, when you died?

I wasn't connected with anyone when I was alive. I don't remember any parents or anyone looking out for me. If I didn't have money for food, I didn't eat. If I didn't have a job, I wouldn't have a room to stay in.

I just existed, and I didn't know why. Then, I... didn't. I... regret it, I guess.

[ despite what he says, his delivery is extremely flat: it is a mere statement of what he knows to be true thus far. he doesn't know how he died, not definitively, or why. ]

I died, and I know there was at least once where... I was able to reach someone that was lost, someone that had been discarded when he was alive. So, I'm... going to fight like hell to hold onto that feeling. If I get hurt in the process, fine. I'll be able to live knowing I did more than just sit by and exist.

[ noting the tension, he merely rests gently against Rufous. then, he looks down for a moment, his eyes narrowing a little until he pinches the bridge of his nose. no, there's something else. he's working it out. ]

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thisismagrave - 2021-11-07 02:05 (UTC) - Expand

Monster Bingo 3.0

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gosh I don't want to nab all his squares but tbh Kitsu can keep going so lmk! ~this is his element~

I mean, I can always make more cards-

I just didn't want to be too greedy with all of them! ❤︎

Be as greedy as you want :3

Re: Be as greedy as you want :3

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